Who Knew

I was in the kitchen cooking earlier today when the song “Who Knew” by P!nk started playing on my Pandora station. I have loved that song since it was first released, but it had been a long time since I had heard it. I had always thought it was about the ending of a serious long-term relationship, like breaking off an engagement. I never knew that it was actually about the death of a loved one.

There I was, in my kitchen, singing along to a song I already knew by heart. As the verses continued, I found myself just listening instead of singing. By the end, I was crying.

“If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
‘Cause they’re all wrong and
That last kiss, I’ll cherish until we meet again
And time makes it harder, I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?”

The way she describes the memory of her loved one in the final refrain at the end is what really made it sink in for me. Since my daughter died, I live that every day. Time does make it harder. I do wish I could remember. Really, actually remember. The more time passes, the more my memories blur. People around me move on with their lives like my daughter never existed. It makes me so glad that I have pictures of her from when she was alive, because those, along with my blurry memories, are all I can ever have of her now.

That song makes me think back to when I was pregnant. Back when I thought we were far enough along to be “safe.” Back before we found out anything was wrong. When I thought she was ok. If someone had told me then that in a few short years she would be “long gone,” it would have broken my heart.

Who knew.